More Chav Ball

After my ride I stopped for a burger at the local pub. They had one of the World Cup games on the big screen. For some reason the place was empty so I could hear the play-by-play of the game. Greece was playing Costa Rica. I was pulling for Greece for no reason other than they looked like old men compared to the Costa Ricans. They just looked like guys you would see smoking outside a club or arguing with one another at an outdoor café. The announcer made some reference to the star player celebrating their last win with a quiet cigarette. I think his name was Socrates.

It occurred to me that one of the reasons Americans tend to make fun of soccer is the behavior of the announcers. Every four years ESPN imports an English guy (I think he is English) to call the games. They pair him with an American, who functions as a color commentator. I did not catch the names of the two announcers and I really don’t care enough to look it up. It sounds like the same guy every four years, but maybe they have a rotation of British announcers. it is not all that important.

In America, we expect the play-by-play guy to be level headed and dry. In an exciting moment, he can show emotion, but otherwise he is supposed to be neutral and avoid making a spectacle of himself. The color guy is always a former jock who explains the action after the call. Making sport of bad announcer and goofy sidekicks is as popular as the sports themselves. Chris Berman is considered the worst play-by-play guy in America because of his antics, while Dan Dierdorff was the gold standard for the dumb jock turned television personality.

In soccer, this arrangement is exactly backward. The play-by-play guy is an overly emotional clown. The British guy they drag over to do US broadcasts of soccer is like a parody of the ban announcer. The over the top language and ridiculous comments about heroism and courage are topped off with overly dramatic comments during the few exciting points in the game. The color guy sounds like he is on drugs he is so mellow. He does not say anything you need to know. Instead, he works as a straight man to the weird announcer screaming about the heroism of a pass.

The only other place I’ve listened to soccer announcers is in South America and the announcers are famous for being emotional wrecks. But, they report the weather as if the fate of the world rests on their next utterance. That’s just how Latins roll. Brits are supposed to be stoic so there’s a reason for the deranged announcers that I’m not understanding. I’m sure Brits are perfectly fine with it, but the chav-ball fans in America do themselves no good insisting on using the this announcer model.

Thinking about it, maybe the melodramatics from the booth are necessary. Eating my burger, there were long periods when nothing was happening in the game. Unlike American sports, soccer suffers a crucial defect. That’s the lack of statistics. In baseball, the dead time is filled with talk of the numbers. Football is a stat driven sport these days so that fills a big part of the broadcast. Maybe that’s why the soccer announcers have to carry on as they do. They have nothing to talk about for long periods.

That’s the other thing that does not work for Americans. Pre-game and post-game sports broadcasts are heavy on stats and heavy on strategy. In football, breaking down film is pretty much all the studio shows do these days. That and interviews with players and coaches. The half time show for the soccer game was three guys talking about how hard the players were trying. No replays. No strategy discussion. Just pointless statements about passion and effort.

The Greeks lost on coin flips.

7 thoughts on “More Chav Ball

  1. Our great national nightmare is now over: Team USA lost at the World Cup kickball championships today. Lots of people are nevertheless elated about how far the US team went. Final record: 1 win, 1 tie, and 2 losses. In a real sport that would be thought a dismal record. I can understand why ESPN is giddy. They’ve pushed the WC without mercy in order to make lots of $$$$$ from the broadcasts. We’ll see how their ratings fare now that the US is out of the competition. As for the many World Cup soccer wing-nuts, they must be suffering dementia from too many headers. Which raises the question of why concussions in football are viewed with such alarm these days yet concussions from heading a ball that travels in excess of 40 mph in kickball are not. Given the wee-establsihed long-term effects of brain damage this causes, I’d think no concerned parent would ever allow his minor child to head the ball…without a helmet, of course.

  2. Oh, indeed I am well aware of the rules and strategies of most professional sports played on the continent. I confess to being a little weak on exactly what goes on in cricket or Australian rules football, but then again mostly played by East Indians and other blokes with strange accents and generally not north of the equator. I get more than my fair share of rounders and Handegg courtesy of the omnipresent US Sports media behemoth. I do enjoy watching 200-300lb men crush each other whether on ice or field and yes I get the strategy of American football; apparently it involves boring the fans stupid in order to sell beer and Doritos or similar. My original comment stands; who cares if one Dominican bats 235 on Wednesdays when facing pitchers born in Latvia, but bats 255 on every other day so long as he is only second at bat?

  3. The crucial defect is a lack of statistics? So we are better off knowing when bubba scratches his left testicle, it more often than not (‘57.6% of the time Jim’) results in a high outside off speed knuckle ball? Or that the Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks third string right nose tackle is exactly 3.2 pounds heavier than the average weight of the opposing defensive line? Nah, give me chav ball any day.

    • I would not be surprised if you are typical of soccer fans. Obviously you know nothing of other sports, given your comment. Appreciating most sports requires some knowledge of the rules, the various strategies as well as the relevant ways to compare those strategies. Soccer fans just want to stare open-mouthed at the television with their hands in the air when the result is not to their liking.

  4. Good for you! I feel the same way about the announcers. This makes me hate soccer more than ever. They are Brits or Aussies, can’t tell for sure. A guy falls down screaming bloody murder, then gets up 2 seconds later running at full steam. Bullshit! Also who gives a fuck about Uruguay, Paraguay, Ecquador, Chile, or Mexico for that matter? I’m rooting for the Netherlands or Germany. My white privilege is showing.

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