The epidemic of rape hoaxes on college campi is driven, in part, by lunatics from the Cult of Modern Liberalism trying to prove the part of the narrative that says the Pale Penis People are the source of all evil. How’s that for an opening sentence?

The PPP serve a vital role in the Cult as they are the designated hobgoblin for everyone in the current liberal coalition. Like Big Foot researchers, the younger members of the Cult are sent out into the wild to prove various aspects of current theories regarding the PPP. The current theory is upper middle class white boys are not the soft Eloi we see, but really a bunch of rapacious Vikings raping the hell out of white co-eds.

It’s all lunacy of course, but if you’re a young woman on campus or living in proximity to young males, not being raped is probably a concern. After all, you’re told on a daily basis that every swinging dick in your life is ready to pounce on you as soon as you let down your guard. This new documentary detailing the rape hoax epidemic on campus is intended to scare the hell out of you raise awareness.

I’m an old man and I have seen a lot of the human animal. Here’s some advice I’ll pass on that I think will help you avoid being raped.

1) Don’t get blind drunk with a bunch of strange men. We have evidence of wine making going back 10,000 years. It is commonly assumed that humans figured out fermentation soon after settlement. I’ve read some arguments that booze making was a reason for human settlement. Making hooch takes time and planning. It’s best done in one spot. Regardless of the origins, humans have been making and consuming alcohol since the dawn of civilization.

At the same time, humans figured out it was not a great idea to leave women in the presence of drunken unrelated men. Similarly, it was a good idea for women to not drink. The reasons for both of these quaint notions is the result was always bad for the women. Drunken men are horny men. Drunken women make bad decisions. Put the two together and someone is waking up with her legs in the air.

Most of what is called rape on campus is just a drunken romp gone wrong. Suzy sobers up to find her underwear on her head and vague memories of that guy at the bar. The other cases are when drunk men take advantage of a women, who drank herself into an unconscious stupor.

Therefore ladies, a sure way to avoid this outcome is to not get drunk with strange men. Moderate your alcohol and stick with sober friends when at the bar. If that good looking guy offering to buy you a drink is really interested in more than wearing you as a hat, he’ll be around tomorrow.

2) Don’t get naked and alone with a man you are not sure you want to screw. This is one that gets placed at the feet of the weirdos and lunatics in the womyn’s studies department. Sex is the result of signalling. Boy shows girl he likes girl. Girl responds by showing boy she likes him too. This back and forth escalates until they end up in the sack.

By the time a man gets you naked, he is not thinking about anything other than sex. He is basing all of his decisions on what you are doing. If you are naked and in his bed, you could be chanting passages from the Koran in Arabic for all he cares. All he knows is you’re naked in his bed and that means he gets to have sex with you.

Therefore, one sure way to avoid the last minute second thoughts or the onset of sudden regret is to avoid getting naked with men you are not 100% sure you want to screw.

3) Don’t confuse yourself with a man. Amazingly, our colleges and universities continue to insist that biology is a social construct. They teach our boys and girls that the reason males appear bigger, stronger, faster and more prone to violence is the culture supported by the patriarchy. In a fully equal society, boys and girls will be the same, even physically.

If you’re a young woman, this is probably tempting to believe. It is not reality and if you act as if it is, it could get you killed. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll just get raped. Chimps weight between 55 and 100 pounds, but they 5 to 8 times stronger than a man. That wimpy looking man you think you can beat is most likely vastly stronger than you and much more comfortable using force than you.

That last part is an important thing to remember. Even if you are as strong as that guy, he’s biologically inclined to use force, particularly in matters involving sex. If you put yourself in a position where you have to physically defeat a male, you will most likely lose. It’s biology and immune from wishful thinking so don’t put yourself in a position where you have to fight a male off.

There you are. Three simple rules that will lower the chances of you getting raped to near zero.