Colorado Legalizes Slavery

In celebration of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, Colorado has brought back slavery. Some weird Stalinist court has ordered Jack Phillips to work for two men against his will.

Colorado’s Civil Rights Commission on Friday ordered a baker to make wedding cakes for same-sex couples, finding his religious objections to the practice did not trump the state’s anti-discrimination statutes.

The unanimous ruling from the seven-member commission upheld an administrative law judge’s finding in December that Jack Phillips violated civil rights law when he refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple in 2012. The couple sued.

“I can believe anything I want, but if I’m going to do business here, I’d ought to not discriminate against people,” Commissioner Raju Jaram said.

Phillips, a devout Christian who owns the Masterpiece Cakeshop in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, said the decision violates his First Amendment rights to free speech and free exercise of his religion. “I will stand by my convictions until somebody shuts me down,” he told reporters after the ruling.

He added his bakery has been so overwhelmed by supporters eager to buy cookies and brownies that he does not currently make wedding cakes.

The couple who sued Phillips, Dave Mullins and Charlie Craig, were pleased that the commission roundly rejected Phillips’ arguments. “We’re just thrilled by that,” Mullins said.

Phillips should make a cake in the shape of Priapus. That will make the perverts happy.

1 thought on “Colorado Legalizes Slavery

  1. Since Mr. Phillips doesn’t make wedding cakes, couldn’t he just charge $25,000 for having to do one? I know it isn’t the ideal solution but he could take the order, order one from a hotel for $300 and have it delivered to the wacky wedding. If they baulk at the price, they can go and harass someone else.

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