When I’m ruler of these lands, there will be a lot of changes. I’m not talking about the structure of government or the status of cultural institutions. There’s a long list of items that fall into those buckets, but that’s a topic for another day. The changes I have in mind are the people changes. By that I mean there will be a whole bunch of people on the proscribed list when I’m king.
For instance, I don’t watch a lot of golf, but when I do there is always some d-bag yelling “Get in the hole!” at every tee box. Caddy Shack, the movie that started the gag, came out in 1980. My guess is it stopped being funny by the end of that summer. Yet, there are jerk-offs throughout the English speaking world still doing that at golf tournaments. Under my benevolent leadership, the authorities will round up these guys so they can be sent off to the mines.
The thing about pruning the human shrubbery is that you have to use quality of life as a proxy for social and intellectual aptitude. People who go out of their way to make a nuisance of themselves are going to have kids that go out of their way to be pests. The apple does not fall far from the tree so if we want to weed the garden of humanity, you have to focus on the pests, as well as mix your metaphors. The “Get in the hole” guy is a pest.
Similarly and this is one that is very common around the Imperial Capital, is someone I call the “rolling roadblock.” Drive around Maryland, Pennsylvania or Virginia and you inevitably run into someone doing ten miles below the speed limit on the interstate. I’ve driven all over and I see this person everywhere, but no more so than in the Mid-Atlantic. Further, this person is almost always a Maryland driver and they tend to camp out in the left hand lane.
Under my rule, the police will be instructed to pull these people over, have their cars towed away to be crushed and the driver will be sent to the mines. Maybe they will be made to walk to the mines, just to add an artistic twist to the punishment. These are selfish, stupid people who put the rest of us at risk. I’m not sure they deserve to be sent to mines, but I’m going for “benevolent” dictator here so I’ll let them live out their lives in the lithium mines.
Next on the list is someone I call “inappropriate dress” guy. The other day I’m in the coffee shop getting my coffee and muffin. It is late fall here so the morning temps are in the 40’s meaning jackets and sweaters, along with long pants for men. It’s not winter so you can get away without a jacket if you’re an office man in shirtsleeves. That’s the way all of the normal people were dressed in the coffee shop, except one guy.
“Inappropriate dress” guy has to be wearing shorts and a t-shirt in late fall. Maybe in a snow storm he is in shorts and a sweatshirt. It’s not that he trying to prove he is tough or that he can handle the cold. In the summer this guy will be wearing a knit cap or maybe wool socks and boots. I have to assume this is a psychological defect of some sort so as a nod to the eugenicists, I will have these guys rounded up and sent to the Antarctic. I will provide them with the inappropriate clothing for their trip.
Finally, at least as far as this post, is the guy every traveler despises. Since the invention of blue tooth, there have been guys wandering around airports talking to themselves and doing so loud enough so everyone else has to hear one half of their conversation. Last month I was in the DFW airport and on either side of me was a guy talking on his mobile using one of those idiotic blue tooth earpieces.
The thing that makes this guy super irritating is they are always boring morons. They never have anything interesting to say. If a Hollywood star or TV personality wants to share the details of their life with the rest of us, well that could be fun. If some guy want to talk about how he is catting around on his old lady that might be interesting. Instead it is always Larry from the Wichita office talking to Thad from corporate about how they are going to kill it at their demo. When I’m ruler of these lands citizens will be allowed to strangle these guys on the spot.
If you are one of the above described people, you now have one more reason to hope I’m never ruler of these lands.
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