When I’m ruler of these lands, there will be a lot of changes. I’m not talking about the structure of government or the status of cultural institutions. There’s a long list of items that fall into those buckets, but that’s a topic for another day. The changes I have in mind are the people changes. By that I mean there will be a whole bunch of people on the proscribed list when I’m king.
For instance, I don’t watch a lot of golf, but when I do there is always some d-bag yelling “Get in the hole!” at every tee box. Caddy Shack, the movie that started the gag, came out in 1980. My guess is it stopped being funny by the end of that summer. Yet, there are jerk-offs throughout the English speaking world still doing that at golf tournaments. Under my benevolent leadership, the authorities will round up these guys so they can be sent off to the mines.
The thing about pruning the human shrubbery is that you have to use quality of life as a proxy for social and intellectual aptitude. People who go out of their way to make a nuisance of themselves are going to have kids that go out of their way to be pests. The apple does not fall far from the tree so if we want to weed the garden of humanity, you have to focus on the pests, as well as mix your metaphors. The “Get in the hole” guy is a pest.
Similarly, and this is one that is very common around the Imperial Capital, is someone I call the “rolling roadblock.” Drive around Maryland, Pennsylvania or Virginia and you inevitably run into someone doing ten miles below the speed limit on the interstate. I’ve driven all over, and I see this person everywhere, but no more so than in the Mid-Atlantic. Further, this person is almost always a Maryland driver, and they tend to camp out in the left hand lane.
Under my rule, the police will be instructed to pull these people over, have their cars towed away to be crushed and the driver will be sent to the mines. Maybe they will be made to walk to the mines, just to add an artistic twist to the punishment. These are selfish, stupid people who put the rest of us at risk. I’m not sure they deserve to be sent to mines, but I’m going for “benevolent” dictator here, so I’ll let them live out their lives in the lithium mines.
Next on the list is someone I call “inappropriate dress” guy. The other day I’m in the coffee shop getting my coffee and muffin. It is late fall here, so the morning temps are in the 40’s meaning jackets and sweaters, along with long pants for men. It’s not winter so you can get away without a jacket if you’re an office man in shirtsleeves. That’s the way all of the normal people were dressed in the coffee shop, except one guy.
“Inappropriate dress” guy has to be wearing shorts and a t-shirt in late fall. Maybe in a snowstorm he is in shorts and a sweatshirt. It’s not that he trying to prove he is tough or that he can handle the cold. In the summer this guy will be wearing a knit cap or maybe wool socks and boots. I have to assume this is a psychological defect of some sort so as a nod to the eugenicists, I will have these guys rounded up and sent to the Antarctic. I will provide them with the inappropriate clothing for their trip.
Finally, at least as far as this post, is the guy every traveler despises. Since the invention of blue tooth, there have been guys wandering around airports talking to themselves and doing so loud enough so everyone else has to hear one half of their conversation. Last month I was in the DFW airport and on either side of me was a guy talking on his mobile using one of those idiotic blue tooth earpieces.
The thing that makes this guy super irritating is they are always boring morons. They never have anything interesting to say. If a Hollywood star or TV personality wants to share the details of their life with the rest of us, well that could be fun. If some guy wants to talk about how he is catting around on his old lady that might be interesting. Instead, it is always Larry from the Wichita office talking to Thad from corporate about how they are going to kill it at their demo. When I’m ruler of these lands citizens will be allowed to strangle these guys on the spot.
If you are one of the above described people, you now have one more reason to hope I’m never ruler of these lands.
I kinda hope you do end up ruler!
Here in Southern California we wear shorts all the time, all year round. Of course, it’s 70 degrees year round, too. I was at the grocery store last winter after a workout and was wearing shorts and a hoodie (it was about 55 degrees, a cold spell, for sure), and a couple who were new to the area (I live in a college town, and they obviously students there) commented to me about my choice of garb. Shorts all year, baby. We also have those rolling road blocks – either Asian women in a fancy car or a fat Mexican… Read more »
I’ve driven extensively round the northeast as well, and the worst offending states when it comes to the rolling roadblock are, in descending order, are New York, Connecticut, and Ohio. Dishonorable mention goes to Maryland. I suspect that the infamous State Troopers in these states (especially New York) — more properly known as armed Revenue Agents — have the citizenry so beat down that they don’t have any understanding of traffic flow or lane discipline at all any more. It’s been replaced with cruise control abuse. But, don’t get me started on cars and driving — I won’t get any… Read more »
[…] Finish reading all this HERE. […]
WTF are you guys doing watching other dudes? You don’t have girls where you roam? I have NO tattoos, NO tank tops, Broad shouldered & NEITHER fat NOR harry, and wear the same comfy cotton button down shirts with cotton shorts year round. Had some contract work requiring travel to snow country during the winter with hrs on the plane & a couple more driving in a rental car in the freeze. My normal garb is most comfortable for the long trip and they make up for a slight discomfort in the rental car parking lot and entry into a… Read more »
Hey, I really like your site. Would you be interested in a blog roll exchange?
The Last Tradition
Check me out and I hope you add me. I’ll do likewise
Honestly, I don’t know what a “blog roll exchange” is so I don’t know what to say.
At least there appear to be no bodily fluids involved.
Yes, those rolling roadblock guys. There’s the “timid passer”, too. This is the person who pulls into the left lane to pass a very long tractor trailer. But the act of changing lanes seems to exhaust his stock of courage, and so he can’t bring himself to hit the gas to go faster. He ends up hovering next to the truck, going maybe 2 mph faster, which means it take him about 3 miles to finally pass wheeled behemoth. Meanwhile, you’re behind him, in the shadow of the truck, and with its engine roaring right beside you.
In Illinois, the trucks do this constantly. One of these days I’m going to pass both of them on the shoulder, and then be the rolling roadblock myself. No one will mourn my passing.
Here in Jersey, we have a law that says “Keep Right Except To Pass”. Our fair state is full of people we politely call Left Lane Richards, or Dicks, if you will. Left Lane Dick will tootle along in the passing lane at or below the posted speed limit, oblivious to the traffic around him. I submit, the mines are too kind for some.
Please, come to NJ once enthroned.
I for one welcome our new Z overlord. I predict an outbreak of common sense.
Can I add the cretins who loudly proclaim their gluten,dairy and nut allergies in restaurants then proceed to order the pecan pie and ice cream for dessert.
People who buy savage dogs but never train or exercise them meaning whenever I walk past I have a half-inch piece of spruce between a me and a psychotic beast.
People who don’t just throw their cigarette butts out the car window but the whole empty packet.
Park goers who decide to break out the frisbee in a crowded play area.
People parking on the line deliberately taking up 2 parking spots.
Or those who break out a football in the midst of a crowded tailgate party area before the game.
Or on the beach, kicked up sand and all…
I live in Maryland, and you are so right about the rolling roadblock. I stick to the right, and there are many times I want to pass when I see someone coming up at a higher rate of speed. I wait for them and when they catch up they slow down and match speed in the next lane over, and just sit there.
Also I’ve noticed that the inappropriate dress guy is a fat, hairy guy in a tank top (UK vest).
That is a maddening thing. I should have added “speed up and slow down” guy to the list. You come up on a rolling road block guy and try to pass on the left. He then speeds up. You then think that maybe he was just not paying attention so you slow down to get in behind him now that he driving at the correct speed. Instead, he slows down too. Worse yet, he will place himself in your blind spot so you can’t be sure you are past him when you speed up. What I now do is jerk… Read more »
I will vote for you. I live in vermont, home of the passive aggressive driver. They always seem to be driving a pious. With an Obama sticker on it. The salt mines are too good for them.
And worst of them all, people with selfie sticks!
I saw a guy almost fall into the river while using one on a bridge, he had to drop his precious iPhone into the water in order to save himself, true poetic justice.
They are banned at Disney World for safety reasons, after several instances where rides had to be stopped because of guests pulling out sticks mid-ride.
Ah, the shorts and vest characters (and I use vest not as perhaps the US does, but much nearer what a basketball player wears) we see in the UK. If I go to the local supermarket, these half-nakeds are there in all weathers, but while it may be “because they are real men*” it is mostly because they have tattoos that have — just HAVE — to be shown off. Imagine getting a tattoo and no one saw it. How terrible that would be! So, to show they have no taste in body art they must wear the least clothing… Read more »
We have those idiots too. My “favorite” is the Irish guy with the shamrock tattoo on his neck and something he thinks is Gaelic on his arm that someone told him means “courage” but it is just gibberish.
Add the hairy-everywhere apes to those who insist on sporting sleeveless decolletage “vests” (UK undershirts; more like our basketball or track garb) to family restaurants. I don’t want to see what they are showing.
Sentence them to a whole body waxing …
Here in the Southwest you see a fair number of bullet holes in cars being driven by people who are clearly not shit-kickers, and I’ve often thought that was the reason.